Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
