after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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