We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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