I think im going to throw up on grandma
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
