were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
