Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
