Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How does one acquire holy water?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize