Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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