3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
