well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
