Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
