Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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