I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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