dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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