dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
