I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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