you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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