I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
