My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
