Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
