Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
