people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
