sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
