My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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