You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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