It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Where is the hickey?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
