I'm going to jail i love you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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