My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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