please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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