SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i was born a porn star she said
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
