God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
