Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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