we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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