hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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