It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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