im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
