I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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