apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
