I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
