If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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