I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
