Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
