If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
