he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My ass is underappreciated
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
