The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
