How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
