Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
