everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
