If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
