I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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