Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
