very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
