there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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