I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
