I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
A+ Viking dick
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize