she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
