You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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